I’ve been thinking a lot about Lent lately. It’s hard not to with my Facebook newsfeed
blowing up with article after article about it along with suggestions of things
to give up for it and reasons why we shouldn’t ignore it. I was going to just dismiss it this year as I
usually do, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it and decided to come up with a
worthy offering for 40 Days of Lent. But
before I continue, I apologize to any Catholics out there or any Protestants
who value the tradition and precise practice of Lent. I am not Catholic and I may not officially do
it justice, but I believe that a 40-day period of focused intention is a deeply
spiritual practice and one I don’t want to miss out on entirely. I hope you don’t mind me joining you, if sloppily
and a day late.
I remember the year I gave up gum.
I could hardly wait for Easter Sunday to come around so I could chomp
away at my favorite jaw-breaking snack—Orbit Sweet Mint (if you must know). The year my husband was deployed, I gave up .
. . well, my husband and all the things that go with having a husband. Naturally, it wasn’t by choice, but I felt it
was a sacrifice all the same so I claimed it.
I’m aware that we don’t get points or anything for the measure of
sacrifice involved, but I wanted to be a participant. I started to give up sugar one year. That lasted about a week and I felt like I
had done my thing and failed and it was too late to start over or start with
something else. I’ve clearly missed the
whole point, haven’t I? I don’t want to
do that this time. I want to celebrate
it as a sacrifice and a victory, a difficult but satisfying challenge, and a
painful but beautiful experience. I want
it to be real.
So this year, I’ve resigned to giving up my insatiable need
for personal affirmation. I’m not going
to swallow as many words for fear that someone might not like them or how I present them. But I will hold them back if they’re not true
or kind or necessary or helpful. My life story is riddled with moments that I have wanted to say something that seemed
important in my head, but I’ll have no idea if it was or not because I never
said it. Why? Because I wanted to be
affirmed for what I said and how I said it and further, I needed to know if
what I said made a difference. I haven’t
written a blog post in over a month because I received backlash last time that
I was logically prepared for but not emotionally. And I only know how about five people who
were brave enough to say something to my face felt about it. The rest of you, I wonder in the back of my
mind if I offended you or proved myself a fool.
That was a great introduction into this next 40 days—I will not require
your opinion whether positive or negative before saying what I believe to my
best ability to be true and helpful.
This practice will be horrendous for me because I calculate
every word I say and how I say it as it’s leaving my vocal cords. I’ve shut myself up in the middle of a
thought on many occasions because of a look of disapproval on your face. You know that saying, “It’s better to be
thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?” It does not apply
here. I invite you to consider me a
fool. Maybe I am. How will I ever know if I don’t say
anything? My biggest fear is that you
will actually get to know me and realize I’m vulnerable, and foolish, and
reckless, and frightened. I’ve reread
and edited this post so many times, I’m afraid the whole season will be gone by
the time I post it. As long as I have limited what I've revealed about what I
think, you’ve been more likely to encourage me without having the slightest
clue who I actually am. I’m sorry I ever
asked this of you, but I dare you to say to me that I’m not actually that great. (And
thank you for letting me say my peace in the first place).
I wish I could post this anonymously. I wish I hadn’t written it. I wish I could go back and write something
that 90% of the world would agree with to make me feel like I’m on top of the
world. But that ship has definitely
sailed and I’m glad she has. Ships might
be safer in the harbor (if we don’t count the USS Arizona) but that’s not where
ships belong. I have had the privilege recently of being vehemently criticized
for having said things that I believed were true, helpful, necessary, and
kind. I let the weight of some people’s disapproval destroy my fire. But it was
good practice for these next 40 days, so I thank each of you for disagreeing
with me and eloquently telling me why.
Each time I experience it, it gets just a little easier to take. And yes, I did consider deleting that line
about the USS Arizona.
So, for Lent, I chose the one thing that has the power to
destroy my spirit. Why did I choose
it? Because I want it to be undeniably
sacrificial. Because I want it to be
life changing. Because I want to
commemorate every day that I made a commitment.
Because I have a lot of words to say and I rarely ever actually say
them. And in the end, I hope I’ll have
developed a new habit. But for now, the
most painful thing I can give up is the façade.
And I have a feeling, I’ll be the one who benefits most from it in the
end.
Maybe that’s the
whole idea of Lent.
1 Pet 3:15
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